What 15 Years of Matchmaking Taught Me About Attraction

After more than 15 years as a professional matchmaker, I have heard people describe what they are attracted to thousands of times.

Sometimes the description is remarkably specific.

A certain height.

A certain look.

A particular personality.

Someone outgoing.

Someone successful.

Someone athletic.

Someone sophisticated.

Someone who makes them laugh.

There is nothing wrong with knowing what you like.

But one thing I've consistently noticed is that the person someone describes on paper and the person who actually captures their attention are not always the same person.

That became one of the most interesting lessons of my career.

Attraction is real.

Preferences are real.

But attraction is far more complicated than a checklist.

People Are Often Better at Describing Preferences Than Predicting Attraction

When you're matchmaking, you spend a great deal of time learning what people believe they want.

That information matters.

You need to understand someone's lifestyle, values, relationship goals and preferences before introducing them to another person.

But over time I realized something important.

People are usually very good at telling you what they have liked in the past.

That doesn't necessarily mean they can predict who they will like next.

Attraction doesn't always follow the rules we create for it.

Someone may insist that a particular physical characteristic is extremely important and then become completely captivated by someone who doesn't possess it.

Someone may believe they need an extremely outgoing partner and discover that they feel much more comfortable with someone quieter.

Someone may describe an ideal personality in great detail, only to experience far more chemistry with someone very different.

I saw variations of this often enough that the pattern became impossible to ignore.

What people want matters.

But human attraction doesn't always behave like a search filter.

Attraction and Compatibility Aren't the Same Thing

This distinction is important.

You can be attracted to someone who would make a terrible long-term partner.

And you can meet someone who looks extraordinarily compatible on paper without feeling any romantic connection whatsoever.

Those aren't contradictions.

They are two different questions.

Attraction asks:Do I feel drawn toward this person?

Compatibility asks:Could our lives actually work together?

Ideally, a relationship eventually needs both.

But they don't necessarily appear at exactly the same time or for exactly the same reasons.

After years of working with singles, I've become much more cautious about treating either one as proof of the other.

Strong chemistry doesn't automatically mean two people are compatible.

And a strong list of shared characteristics doesn't automatically create chemistry.

Attraction Is Usually a Combination of Small Things

People naturally want to know why they liked someone.

Sometimes there is an obvious answer.

Usually there isn't.

Instead, attraction seems to emerge from a collection of smaller experiences.

It may be:

• The ease of the conversation.

• The way someone smiles.

• Their sense of humor.

• Their energy.

• The way they listen.

• Their confidence.

• Their curiosity.

• The way they carry themselves.

• A feeling of comfort.

• A feeling of excitement.

• The sense that the other person is genuinely interested.

Individually, none of these necessarily creates attraction.

Together, they can.

That's one reason attraction can be difficult to predict before two people actually meet.

A profile can tell you a great deal about someone.

It cannot completely reproduce what it feels like to sit across from that person.

How Someone Makes You Feel Matters More Than Most People Realize

This may be the biggest lesson matchmaking taught me about attraction.

When people talk about what they want, they often describe characteristics.

When they talk about someone they really like, they very often describe an experience.

"I could talk to her for hours."

"I felt completely comfortable around him."

"She was so easy to be with."

"He actually listened."

"We laughed the whole time."

"I don't know what it was. We just clicked."

Notice the difference.

Those aren't descriptions of résumés.

They're descriptions of how another person made them feel.

That doesn't mean appearance, success, lifestyle or personality don't matter.

Of course they do.

But attraction isn't simply an inventory of desirable characteristics.

It is also the emotional experience created when those characteristics come together in a real person.

Trying to Manufacture Attraction Usually Works Against It

I've also watched people become so focused on creating attraction that they accidentally interfere with it.

They try to be more impressive.

More interesting.

More entertaining.

More successful.

More confident.

The problem is that trying too hard changes the interaction.

Instead of two people discovering each other, one person begins performing for the other.

And people can usually feel the difference.

The most naturally attractive interactions I have observed weren't necessarily the most dazzling ones.

They were usually the ones where both people became comfortable enough to stop managing every moment.

The conversation relaxed.

Curiosity took over.

Nobody appeared to be auditioning.

That's often when a real connection finally has room to develop.

Sometimes Attraction Needs More Than Five Minutes

Another lesson I've learned is that attraction doesn't always arrive dramatically.

Sometimes it does.

Two people meet and the chemistry is immediate.

But that isn't the only way attraction develops.

I've also seen people become more interested as a conversation continued.

They noticed someone's humor.

Their warmth.

Their intelligence.

Their kindness.

Their confidence.

Something that wasn't immediately obvious slowly became attractive.

This is one reason I've never believed every meaningful connection must begin with an instant lightning bolt.

A lack of attraction is real and shouldn't be dismissed.

But there is a difference between:

"I'm not attracted to this person."

and

"I don't know yet."

Those are not the same conclusion.

Dating sometimes benefits from allowing a little room for discovery.

More Options Don't Necessarily Create More Attraction

Modern dating has given people access to an enormous number of potential partners.

You might assume that would make finding attraction easier.

I'm not convinced it has.

When another option is always one swipe away, people can begin evaluating dates rather than experiencing them.

Is there someone better?

Someone taller?

Someone younger?

Someone more attractive?

Someone more successful?

Someone who checks one additional box?

The problem is that attraction often requires attention.

You have to actually notice the person sitting in front of you.

Endless comparison makes that more difficult.

One of the patterns I've consistently noticed is that people who remain genuinely curious about the person they're meeting often have a very different dating experience from people who are constantly comparing that person with an imaginary alternative.

You Can't Negotiate Yourself Into Chemistry

There is an opposite mistake too.

Sometimes someone looks so good on paper that people believe they should be attracted to them.

Similar values.

Successful career.

Good family.

Similar lifestyle.

Everyone approves.

And yet something isn't there.

You can't reason yourself into romantic chemistry.

That doesn't make either person deficient.

It simply means compatibility and attraction haven't aligned.

Understanding this can save people from spending months trying to persuade themselves to feel something they simply don't feel.

But Don't Confuse Perfection With Attraction

There is another side to that lesson.

Sometimes people dismiss promising connections because they're waiting for a person who generates attraction and satisfies every preference they've accumulated over the years.

That person may not exist.

Real people arrive as complete packages.

The quality you love may come attached to something you hadn't planned for.

The personality that makes someone fascinating may also make them different from your original "type."

The person who makes you feel most comfortable may not resemble the person you imagined dating.

After thousands of introductions, I've learned to respect preferences without treating them as prophecy.

Sometimes the person who surprises you becomes the person you remember.

Attraction Can't Be Forced — But the Conditions Around It Matter

There is no formula that guarantees chemistry.

If there were, matchmaking would be considerably easier.

But there are conditions that give attraction a better chance to emerge.

Being present helps.

Feeling comfortable helps.

Curiosity helps.

Putting reasonable effort into your appearance helps.

Choosing an environment where conversation is easy helps.

Listening helps.

Not spending the entire date trying to determine whether someone checks every box helps.

None of those things can manufacture attraction.

They simply remove some of the obstacles that prevent two people from discovering whether attraction is actually there.

And after watching thousands of people meet, I think that distinction matters enormously.

The Bottom Line

Fifteen years of matchmaking did not teach me the secret formula for attraction.

It taught me that there isn't one.

Attraction is personal, emotional and sometimes wonderfully unpredictable.

I've seen people become interested in someone who looked nothing like the person they originally described.

I've seen enormous chemistry between people who appeared very different.

I've seen seemingly perfect matches discover there was simply no spark.

And I've seen attraction quietly develop because two people gave themselves enough time to actually notice each other.

The lesson I eventually stopped trying to argue with is simple:

Preferences can help you choose whom to meet. They cannot always predict whom you'll want to see again.

Sometimes dating requires knowing what matters to you.

And sometimes it requires leaving just enough room to be surprised.

About Emily Hellman

Emily Hellman is a professional matchmaker with more than 15 years of experience helping thousands of singles navigate dating and relationships.

She is the founder of The Modern Dating Rulebook, a practical dating system designed to help men stop guessing and consistently make better dating decisions.